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Wednesday, 25 June 2008

I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!

Saturday, 10 November 2007

Sacrifice and Duality and such

We live to love. That is certainly one truth in this world, but I feel that the other half of the truth in this world is that we live to kill.

There is actually a deep rooted philosophy in Japan that translates, "kill your self". This philosophy states that a person must sacrifice himself to achieve harmony. Its kind of ambiguous. I suppose people can question, what "himself" are you exactly supposed to sacrifice, and is harmony achieved within the individual? with others? the universe??? Commonly today, this proverb is used in the context, "Sacrifice what you want to do in your life in order to cause little trouble and get along with the people around you."

What I think what this proverb really means, or ought to mean, is that people have to kill every type of thought process inside their mind, other than their number one priority. By doing so, a person's objective becomes really clear, and that clarity would bring peace and harmony within that person.

Whats fundamental in life seems to me the openness of the mind, ready to accept and learn from anybody, any culture, and the courage to decide your own way of life and move forward. The balance of the two. With only the openness, a person is a wuss who can't decide on anything, and with only the decisiveness, a person is a hard headed ass hole who never listens to others. The two have to constantly coexist with the other. Openness is like femininity, accepting with respect, anyone and anything. Decisiveness is like masculinity. Deciding is like killing. You negate an idea until it is nonexistent in order to approve another idea.

I've always had trouble with deciding, because I could never fully conclude that one side is right and one side is wrong. But recent years I figured that its a lot wronger not decide than to decide the wrong,

As of now, I decided that I don't like religion that much, because it seems to lack especially in the openness, and possibly even both. To me, if there is a religion that I could believe in, it would be a one that lives the openness and decisiveness I believe is fundamental. To one degree or another, I have met several people in college who understand and work to live such philosophies, and I've found several famous figures live and passed away who I find support from in day to day life.

I still don't feel I understand sexuality at all, but I can easily understand that muscles certainly does not make a man. A man who feels he has to protect his masculinity through his muscles seems more like a wussy to me. Those muscles function like a shield. What makes up masculinity seems to me like a coolness or perhaps even a coldness and sharpness like metal, like a knife or a sword inside the heart. The sword is commonly used as a masculine symbol in dream analysis and such. The only purpose of the sword is to kill, both in the actual and philosophical sense. What the sword kills is any obstacle with in the individual, as well as outside obstacles that blocks the person from his or her goal.

I wish I could be like that more. A man like a sword, decisive and moving forward and stuff. I feel like I'm the most gullible idiot sometimes. Oh well.

Balance, openness, decisiveness, goal, duality, living. Some of the important key words to me these days.

A true relationship with somebody seems to me exists the balance the duality of openness and decisiveness. I wonder if thats just me...in fact I wonder if anyone other than me can understand what I just tried to write.

Sunday, 04 November 2007

Recently...

Its been about half an year since I wrote here. Everyday goes by so fast. Recently I acknowledge more and more that we live in solitude in this world, and that because so, every kind of kindness, care, wisdom, and the sort of things received from anybody must be taken with the most gratitude.

I'm watching the movie Babel right now. The one that won the academy award or something a couple of years ago. It makes me think no matter where in the world we are, living is difficult. Its not about wealth or knowledge. It is about the boundaries. When we find boundaries that separate us, we find the loneliness inside us. The boundaries everywhere. Between the two american couples, between the morocco family, between mexico and america, between morocco and america, between the japanese girl and the rest of the world.

Usually the boundaries exist because we make them. It is more convenient and easy to ignore certain affairs and restrict one's perspective. The need to isolate oneself. When there is so much loneliness when we build walls. Because of the fear of being hurt, when we have no walls.

The story of the Tower of Babel is interesting. I wonder, why the people separated in the end. As many people prove today, if we can't understand another person's language, we can learn it. But these people chose not to do that. They chose separation. Because that was in their best interest. For them, it was better to exclude those whom they didn't understand, and associate with only those who they can understand. and today, as a result people today live in isolation. All sorts of boundaries separate us, between individuals, between cultures, between countries, at everywhere at every level. Like all other wars in history, america never really tried to consider what the people of Iraq needed or wanted. America set the boundary that Americans are the good people they have to protect, and Iraqis are potential terrorists that could be killed as situation calls for.

Boundaries exist because we thought we needed them, and thought that was better overall. But when the time is right, I'm sure it can be taken down.

I won't write in much detail, but I don't feel anymore, that I have to live in a way many people have always expected me to live. It was my own choice to stay in a state of isolation and associate with the who I'm familiar with, or to go beyond. It was my own choice to break free from the boundary that was set in front of me, so I have no regrets upon my decision. But I've been wandering, regarding how I should live, after that point. But everything is moving forward, I think. I have many activities that I want to improve in right now, designing, martial arts, drawing... and I've been focused on most days of the weeks. Right now, I have someone that gives me the courage to do that.

Many of the people in the movie were freed from fear and loneliness in the end. What freed them, seems to me their courage to confront themselves, their sincerity towards another person, and the passage of time.

Right now I'm lonely, and I'm free. The two almost seem to be back to back. To go beyond that state, I have to build a clearer guide to the way I live. I can't help realizing my inadequacy, and I don't like to over blow my words, but someday I will learn how to break down boundaries that separates me from certain people. I'm going to find some sort of courage and wisdom that can lead me beyond such boundaries. Gratitude to everyone who has been a help to me till this day, to the people who have hugged me when I'm down, to the people who have gave me wisdom when I'm lost. Now I'll move on...or more like go study.

Saturday, 28 April 2007

little crushes

    I had a crush on someone. I had a deep sense of respect towards her because she had the ability to have curtesy and respect towards others while keeping independence while cheerfully interacting with others with open smiles and hugs. I can do the first two relatively well, having respect and keeping independence. But for me, doing the first two seems to inevitably obscure me from openly interacting with others. So, to me what she can do seemed like magic. I really wanted to learn from her, so I wanted to be closer from her. I had this vague but strong belief that I can have a freer mind than before by doing so.
    Today I still find my self convinced with the rationality about why i had an obsession towards her so much, and have some sense of respect towards myself for liking a person like that.
    But what i suffered from that little crush was quite unnecessary and stupid. When you want something, all you get is the feeling of wanting. Submissing to that sort of emotion only leads to insecurity and anything opposite from freedom. So, ironically i was in a situation where i lost all sense of mental and emotional freedom from wanting more freedom. Its surely a drama, and a tragedy, and a comedy. I hate dramatic stuff, and i can't believe i got myself this deep into it.
    Rather than reaching out to find a quality, it makes alot more sense to find it inside your own heart. You can find peace within your own mind.   Thats something she taught me in person. She also said love is a serious mental disease. Ouch.
    I still admire her so much.
    I really wanted to write about this for some while but it took some time to digest. Today I'm so busy with papers and tests that my mind seeked for some escape, and i finally managed to write this entry.

Tuesday, 20 February 2007

GID

Recently I find my self touching my lip alot. According to psychological analysis it indicates suppressed sexual desire. Yay.
Today I found a great singer online named Ataru Nakamura. He lives with a "Genetic Identity Disorder", which makes him like a woman. I saw a video interview on her (him) and what surprised me was that she (he) was really really beautiful. Not just in terms of appearance, but her posture and attitude towards others really reflects an image of a respectable woman. She's 21, same age as me.
Having a female heart with a male body probably questions what a male is and what a female is far more than the average person. I honestly don't know what it really means to be a boy/man. Watching her it makes me think that only a man knows how a woman should really be, and vice versa. It seems to me that the only thing I can really do is make improvement as a human being, and "how to be a boy/man" is still waiting to be defined by somebody else.
Its in japanese, but if anybody is interested, her interview can be accessed from a link on the right side of the page. If you can't figure it out contact me.
http://magazine.music.yahoo.co.jp/rep/20070216_001/